The Rime of the Anxious Realtor®

Water water everywhere nor any a drop to drink…

I always thought that passage from The Rime of the Ancient Mariner was about being thirsty while lost at sea with a decomposing seabird hanging around your neck. I never considered that it might be a real estate metaphor.

It’s kind of a deceptive poem plus it doesn’t even rhyme. So I tweeked it a little bit—gave it a little remodel with some patronizing verses I like to call Rimes. I know a lot of people aren’t into revisionist poetry, but I don’t think Hemmingway would mind… 

The Rime of the Anxious Realtor®

It is an anxious Realtor® with buyers by the score

just rooting for some inventory going door-to-door

With prices down and money cheap now is the time to buy

but looking out across the town it still looks pretty dry

The pressure’s building up these days from bottled up demand

with no relief in present sight at sea or on dry land

With inventory flat and blue and calm like the Pacific

A Realtor® should manifest– and be a bit specific

Like this:

Wanted: character 3+bed 2+bath rambler with Lake or Bay view

All mid-century view ramblers appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real mid-century view ramblers, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

The Sternbergs are retired now

bored in their empy nest

they’d also like a stairless home

to give their knees a rest

They need a yard and extra rooms

to host their children’s children

and for a view, their budget goes

right up to a half-a-million


Wanted: 2-bed cosmetic fixer in outer-core neighborhood on 10K+sqft lot

All urban farmhouses appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real urban farmhouses, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Randy & Bree are just starting out

waiting hard for their very first home

they’ve put down roots and they’ve put them deep

they’ve committed no more to roam

They want to grow food and get rid of their car

they ride bikes and are really quite thrifty

so they’re looking for something that’s west of I5

and ideally it’s less than 250


Wanted: dialed up 3-bedroom Craftsman or Tudor

walking distance to downtown

All Craftsman bungalows appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real Craftsman bungalows, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Charity’s tired of renting in town 

and she dreams of a place of her own

her parents are willing to co-sign with her

to get better terms on a loan 

She’s hoping a Craftsman will come into view 

but so far there’s been little to see 

we’re watching the coolest of core neighborhoods 

and she can pay up to ’round 3 


Wanted: new or like-new 55+ condo with attached garage

preferably not in Cordata

New Castle Cottage
All age-restricted cottage condos appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real age-restricted cottage condos, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Carol’s been living alone in the house

since she lost Don 3 summers ago 

it’s more than she’s up to, this maintenance now

she’s decided she’s ready to go

She’d like to be social with

friends coming ’round

a good game of bridge would be nice

a 1-level cottage in a 55+ 

it doesn’t much matter the price 


It might seem silly to put your business needs into verse. OK, it is silly. Not particularly dignified. But while the names of these buyers have been changed– as Bon said to protect the guilty— these needs are real. And there’s more where these came from: the Portmans are coming from Minneapolis looking for a 2/1 Craftsman not unlike Charity’s. Hans wants a cabin on the edge of town with a plumbed shop for his projects. And Cade & Marta need a larger home in the Whatcom Middle School service area with a mother-in-law apartment for Cade’s mom. Literally a mother-in-law apartment for Marta’s mother-in-law. 

Please help. If you own or know of a property like any of those described above, I hope we can talk. Don’t get me wrong– I am happy to come out and list the refrigerator box you live in as long as it’s worth more than what’s owed on it. I’m not picky. But the stuff detailed above is what I’m most in-need of right now.

And if you see an albatross, for heaven’s sake don’t shoot it… 


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